The Dread Justice Roberts Relabeled Botulism a Tax

After brilliantly producing a false analogy between the penalty for not participating in a government approved health care insurance program and the decapitation tax once contemplated by the founding fathers (see Part I), the Dread Pirate robertsRoberts’ second point seems, remarkably enough, even more inane. Thus Roberts ruminates: if the taxes for choosing not to participate in the majority’s life-style choices get so high that they “destroy,” the court will surely step in (42). Tax me more if I’m not comforted by this!

The Dread Pirate Roberts’ third justification for labeling a penalty a tax adds the bizarre to the absurd; however, it is a more practical analysis. The dread pirate argues that taxes aren’t as bad as penalties. In other words, the legal trouble folks can get into for not paying a penalty is far worse than the trouble they might find in not paying their taxes. Tell it to Capone–talk about bananas!

Roberts has simply relabeled a jar of Constitutional botulism. If he had upheld the exploitation of the commerce clause, the people would be forced to write a constitutional amendment. Now that Roberts has invented this new, broader power of taxation, the people must rewrite dread piratethe constitution. Indeed, the new constitution must exclude judicial fiat by some mechanism. Perhaps by by defining natural rights and limiting Supreme Court Justices to a veto power based solely on these natural liberties, these elitists law school escapees could be properly caged. Furthermore, the new constitution will have to invent a penalty worthy of The Dread Roberts himself. For instance, if any Supreme Court Judge decides or comments on any matter not within the scope of natural rights, they shall not be sentenced to death by taxation, (a cruel and unusual penalty). Instead, he or she shall be penalized, not to the death, but to the pain. For every right thing the so sentenced justice omits doing in his or her daily life, said justice will pay the IRS one thousandth of their gross income, not as a tax, but as a penalty. In addition, the reprobate justice will be in a perpetual yearly audit of omitted virtues. This audit will be published online, and any taxpaying Obamacare participant may suggest a virtuous act the failed justice didn’t consider. Each suggestion, would, of course, require the audit and penalties to begin afresh. If this sounds unfair, it is simply the slippery slope of the twisted logic to which the Dread Justice Roberts has subjected us all.

There are 3-2 pitches, bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, that are called strikes even though they’re well off the plate. That’s one thing. It’s another when strike three is over the umpire’s head and whacks a little kid in the stands. Bananas.

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